Dr. Michael Berman
Where Am I In The Journey?
- by Anna Orologio, LMSW
My Two Unnamed Angels
thinking, What are the odds? A miscarriage with my first pregnancy
and now with my second some rare type of pregnancy that isn’t even a
pregnancy? The odds, even on the web sites, were stated as so small
of getting this type of complication. To put the two losses together
with one person was astounding."
The Magic of the Llamas - Delaney Bridget
people I knew became pregnant and hadn’t had previous losses and were,
in my eyes, more reckless. My doctors had told me no alcohol or cold
cuts in addition to no raw meats. My newly blissful pregnant friends
were munching happily along on salami sandwiches and having the
occasional glass of wine."
Our Son, Matthew
left the hospital with a box, not a baby. It was our memory box with
Matthew’s Birth and Death Certificate, footprints, snapshot and his
christening gown. We left with all the information from the nurse and
Erica’s Story: Miracles Do Happen
was in denial for the whole pregnancy, going back and forth to doctors.
I felt more as if we were treating an ailment. I wished I could have
been one of those pregnant women who are happy, naive, and in the
pregnancy bliss, instead of being a worrywart."
"…our baby, alive
and kicking and pounding away, as I’d seen so many times previously. He
or she was such an active little thing. Hurray! I thought. But
right there on the resident’s face was ‘the look.’ He must have known
right then. I wouldn’t have this baby."
Hark, Alison Is Born
"Even as I was
listening to the baby’s heartbeat on the fetal monitor I was not
convinced I was having this baby. And even while I was having
contractions and practicing my breathing I was not convinced I was
having this baby."
my wife go? I understood, after the loss that she would grieve eighteen
months, and that would have been okay but after we got pregnant again it
was the worrying that went on. The daily “what if?”
A Tale of Two Pregnancies
"For the prior
nine months I lived in paranoia hell from Amy scared she (Alison)
wouldn’t show up. No matter what good news we would get from the doctor,
sonograms, test results or just praise from people. Amy’s constant
‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ attitude."
A Light for Lucas
"My son was placed
in my arms all wrapped up with a hat on; it was time for us to say
good-bye. The nurse said we could take as long as we needed. As I looked
down at my son, I saw a beautiful baby boy. Even though he was twenty
three weeks he looked perfect to us. The hardest thing we ever had to do
was say good-bye."
One Magical Night
"… when I
got home from my fifteen week appointment, I called Anna, the social
worker from the bereavement group and asked her when was her next
meeting for SPALS was taking place. I was reluctant to go because it was
on the first anniversary of Lucas’s death. It turned out this group was
what I needed to keep some of my sanity through the next few months.
Losing Kailyn Nicole
was my routine thirty eight week check-up. On the drive to the office, I
turned to my husband and said, “If there is no heartbeat you will have
to commit me.” I was beyond scared; it was as if I already knew --
women’s intuition. As I lay on the table, the doctor put the Doppler up
to my belly. I didn’t hear a heartbeat."
in the NICU until Saturday morning. We were released together on Monday
and left the hospital as a family. What a moment, I was finally leaving
with a living, breathing, healthy baby. It was a beautiful thing.
Our Beloved Daughter Sarah Ann
"I’m glad she and
the nurses continued to talk to us through the labor because we changed
our minds and agreed we wanted to see and hold the baby. That proved to
be one of the most important decisions we made. As hard as it was, I
couldn’t imagine how I would have felt
if I hadn’t seen her. I would have regretted it forever."
Little Brother, Jack Peter
"This is what normal expectant mothers do, not ones who experience a
stillbirth. Mothers who experience a stillbirth go through a subsequent
pregnancy with the thought this baby will also die. My fear for thirty
"Now we had to
name our angel. Stephen left it up to me; whatever I wanted was fine.
The next morning I gave her the name Hope. Hope, what we always had: we
hoped we would get pregnant; we hoped the babies would be healthy, so
the name seemed to fit."
"Close to the end
of my pregnancy my anxiety rose. I found myself shaking my belly or
drinking orange juice to make the baby move. I always made sure I wore
something red to ward off the evil eye. I would try anything. The closer
I got to the end the less I talked about the baby. I was afraid to get
attached, I was afraid I would lose this baby, too."
The Tragic Timeline
"My husband and I
cried for what seemed like forever with her in our arms. We couldn’t
believe we were experiencing this. Why were we the ones chosen to
take this path? Why did God take the little girl I always dreamed of
away from me? Why? Why? Why? She would have completed our almost
perfect life. From this moment on, it would never feel perfect again."
An Angel In Disguise
connections were formed at the SPALS groups…Not only did we form
incredible friendships with the other couples, it was what kept us on
the level. It was also a time where it was good to talk, grieve, and cry
for your lost child. These people knew it was all right to be happy and
sad at the same time because they were feeling the exact same thing."
My Angel Sara, Who Changed Our Life Forever
"When I was
released from the hospital the very hardest moment came. I was told I
had to be brought to my car by wheelchair instead of walking out. It was
hospital policy. So out I went, wheeled through the maternity ward with
Sara’s green box on my lap, alone. Rich had gone to get the car. It was
so hard leaving the hospital without our baby. We had to go home and
plan her funeral instead."
Caitlyn and Anthony, Our Precious Gifts, Sent From Heaven, After Our
"I went to a
high-risk doctor, and he too, was well informed on HELLP Syndrome. He
was very positive, yet cautious. I also saw a cardiologist and a blood
specialist. It was a long nine months waiting for Caitlyn’s arrival.
People asked us how we were doing. Family would ask me if I felt
movement, which would cause me to panic all the time."
Stephanie, Our Little Angel
"We all gave our
last kisses goodbye and we left. I took home the blanket they had
wrapped her in and I held it the whole ride home. I walked into the
hospital holding my child and left early another morning without her in
Emily, Our Second Chance
began to read again and looked for books on subsequent pregnancies after
the loss of child. I was so afraid I wasn’t going to bond or love this
baby the way I loved Stephanie. I didn’t think a healthy baby would need
me the way Stephanie did. The books helped me to see all these feelings
were perfectly normal. I just couldn’t bring myself to be excited about
being pregnant as I was the first time."
"It has been my experience that when a
couple experiences a loss of a baby the journey of grief can be a
difficult one. Since men and women grieve very differently it’s so
important to keep the lines of communication open. This is not the time
for one partner to protect the other, however, it’s a time for each of
them to sit in the midst of their pain and reach out to one another."